i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
