I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
time to smoke my breakfast
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
