My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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