you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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