I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
