You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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