So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
