Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
