Plan B is the new Plan A
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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