so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
