It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
