I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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