I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
