8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
