I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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