Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
