She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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