the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
