They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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