Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
