Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
