I wish my penis had an off switch
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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