you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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