Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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