He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
