Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
birth control should be required to get into college
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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