Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
