Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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