Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
