why didn't you poke me back
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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