SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
