i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
