no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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