i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
