dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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