ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
