Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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