Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
