Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
