my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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