just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
