I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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