Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
