and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
