is your mom at the bar?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
