I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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