I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
