just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
