I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
