so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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