Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
