I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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