Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize