Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
