my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
